There’s a gas station on my way home from work where, 90% of the time I go there, someone asks me for money. Yesterday, it happened again. This time, I was the only one at the pumps The old black man in a wheelchair and army jacket was far away, up against the outer wall of the mini-mart. I’d never seen him before–it’s never same person twice, but it’s always somebody.
I cursed myself for not making eye contact for fear he would ask me for that which I’d worked hard for (well, worked for anyway). Assuming someone is a beggar is a pretty rotten assumption to make. It wasn’t until I put the pump back on the handle and turned his way that I realized what I thought was the grunting of a crazy homeless man was, in fact, him asking me for “spare change.” I told him I didn’t have any, which was a lie.
Let me back up. My policy is to give when people ask for it, if I have it. The guy near the McDonald’s two weeks ago got two bucks off me. I emptied my pockets for the woman at the grocery store a month back. I was glad I had more quarters than I thought I did. It’s the right thing to do and it sets a good example for my daughters. It’s not my place to judge anyone’s situation. If someone asks me for help, I give them the benefit of the doubt and give what I can. No, I’m not rich. Times are pretty tight right now and it’s been an unusually bad year, financially speaking. But I do what I can.
Sometimes, I like to do a little more than just give money. If you have a sickly look and stumble towards me before asking, I’ll usually put a caveat on my gift. If you tell me you won’t use it for booze, then you get the money. I’ll take your word. Most everyone makes the promise, but not all. Once, this one guy said, to his credit, “Nah, man. That’s alright.” And he walked away.
But it seems my generosity does have its limits. There’s something about not being able to go to certain places without the bother of someone asking me for what’s in my wallet. When I can count on it happening, it feels intrusive. I get irritated. I get impatient and I won’t make eye contact with people when I pump gas at that one station. When the man in the wheelchair asked me for money yesterday, I was bothered enough by it that I completely forgot I had change in my pocket. I didn’t have any bills in my wallet, but I could have given him my change if I’d been less focused on getting home quickly and how bothersome it was to not be able to pump gas in peace . Sure, I didn’t have much. Maybe 25 cents in pennies and nickels. But it was better than nothing. Which is what I told him I had.
Then, I got back in my car, cued my shiny new iPod back up, and drove away. I felt pretty darn wealthy in that moment and I didn’t like the feeling. At all. Next time, I hope I do better.
What about you? What do you do when someone asks you for monetary help?
Too me it all depends on the approach. I’ll help a homeless person that really wants help with a hand up, but never a hand out.
I work in a town where grifting is very common (major railway, major Interstate crosses thru it, etc.). We occasionally get the homeless that just wants a hand out, but mostly we get the grifter. Their stories always start the same in most instances “My daughter/wife is pregnant and I’m trying to get gas to get to her. Can you spare $10 or so.” The amounts are always large and they always approach you with that “I hate to bother you, but…” demeanor. What I have found is when you tell them, sure I’ll just put some gas in your vehicle, where is it? The story suddenly get’s a bit hazy and they get put on the spot.
When we used to live in this town we would actually have them come knocking on our doors at night stating the same stories.
Now I’ve been blessed to have met some very inspirational homeless people and have offered them a hand up with a warm meal and from time to time a drive to the nearest shelter, but I very seldom offer them money. I have found if I want to give money to help them then I best donate some to my local food pantry, homeless shelter, or outreach center and help direct them to that location. This helps them find a “Hand Up” and not a “Hand Out” and deters the grifters.
Yeah, I know I’ve been approached my fair share of grifters. I think your approach is great, Todd. It may take a little more time out of our day than just handing over cash, but if we can take that time then I think it’s well worth it. Plus, we get to establish a little more of a relationship.
Oh, yeah! I forgot to mention what you said in my comment. I think that’s a great approach to grifters too. And I agree with what Brock said about establishing more of a relationship.
In Judaism, charity is *supposed* to be anonymous. It ensures that you’re never doing it so someone will be grateful to you or to increase your standing in the community, it keeps the motive pure. My wife and I have a handful of charities and non-profits we support with what we can give. We take the tax deduction, but we never accept the incentive gifts (like getting a coffee mug or t-shirt when).
But there’s a secondary benefit of anonymous donation… you’re never made to decide who is worthy of your compassion on an individual basis. You choose your causes and then the causes use or distribute the money. You don’t have to ask if the recipient of your two bucks will use it for booze.
There’s something to be said about directly ministering to the poor. I may not be a Christian, but this isn’t politics, and I don’t have to oppose everything Jesus said because I want Christianity to fail in the next election. But when it comes to ministering to the poor, you need to give of your time and your energy. There are a LOT of food banks, homeless shelters, even outreach programs at your church that could use a day of your time. Meanwhile, they could also use your spare change and probably get more bang for your buck, because they can pool donations, buy in bulk, and get better prices for the non-intoxicant goods these people need. They can also pair the hand-out with a hand-up a lot more efficiently.
While it may feel satisfying to help the needy person directly at the moment of need, it’s less efficient in the long run than putting that spare change in a jar each day, then donating the jar’s contents to a worthy cause each month.
It may be less efficient, but if someone asks me personally, I can’t help but be compelled to offer what I can. Still, you bring up a lot of good points. There are MULTIPLE, more effective ways to help people. Thanks for the tips, Greg.
Maybe I’m just a douche, but I never think giving people money ultimately helps them. I give to my church and a shelter for abused children, but never to people on the street. I don’t judge them, that’s just my personal policy.
I’m on the same page with all you guys, especially Brock and Greg, but also TMCelMurry, because of the teachings of Christ. I know that Greg isn’t a Christian, but it’s no surprise that Christ taught the same as what Greg has mentioned since He was Jewish and the early Christian church was made almost entirely of Jewish believers. But, to the point, I’ve struggled with what to do in these situations over the years. In the past, long ago, I wouldn’t want to give because my parents taught me they’d probably just waste it on alcohol or drugs. But today I don’t believe it’s right to judge how a person became homeless or financially unable to make ends meet.
Now, Jesus taught some pretty hard things that are hard to follow. For example, He taught that when people ask of us to borrow money that we should give to them freely without expecting to receive any of it back (unless I understand that wrong, it’s hard to just give to just any one who asks you, isn’t it?). He taught we should give anonymously, for the right motives, and not to publicize our giving for the same reasons that Greg Bulmash mentioned. He taught against the practices of some of the religious leaders of His day because they would do things like this publicly just to receive praise from men and to increase their standing in the community.
Anyway, I always try to help people out when I can. I do a little of each from time to time. I’m not always able to give of my money as I had been between jobs off and on for a long time, so my girlfriend and I would volunteer to help out in a local homeless ministry. I started having to work on that day and haven’t been back in a while, but right now I’m off on that day again. I really should go back and help out again.
But whenever I meet someone who is asking me for money, if he says it’s because he needs some food I usually try to pay for his meal at a nearby restaurant. I did this for one guy many years back. He started preaching to me in the middle of a Office Depot store I was shopping at. He claimed he went to this or that church someplace and his pastor was this guy, but he couldn’t remember the name of the church or his pastor or anything. Still, he seemed to know some Scriptures and although he was probably trying to lead me on a guilt trip or something, I wasn’t going to deny he was a Christian brother if he said he was, and whether Christian or not I do want to help those in need. So I took him next door to a Chinese buffet and bought his meal and wished him a great evening (while I was there my friend who was with me thought it was a good idea to ask the waitress not to give him any alcohol if he asked for it). After I left, one of the waitresses came out to talk with me. She said that as soon as I left he was trying to get my money back, telling them he wasn’t hungry. She told me he does this all the time to try to get money for alcohol. Anyway, I’m not sharing this story to publicize what I did, but to say that, sadly, you want to help out people but they want your money for the wrong reasons. Another time a guy told me he needed money for gas at a gas station, but then he immediately walked into a bar across the street. To this day I’m hoping it was so he could use the payphone. Not that I personally believe alcohol consumption to be sinful or wrong (I believe drunkenness is), but the consumption and intoxication thereof can be dangerous and there are many people who have sadly fallen into addiction to it. So, giving some stories for evidence, I have to agree that it’s best to go through non-profit organizations or to buy them food or gas instead of give them money. I feel really bad though because refusing to give them money communicates to them that I don’t trust them. Sure, I don’t know them at all and that should be understandable, but they probably get that a lot and it hurts them. Sometimes it’s true, they will use the money for the wrong reasons. But sometimes it isn’t and they won’t. It’s hard to know who and at what times. I guess also, talking again about non-profits, that sometimes you’re not sure about them because there are some who pocket most of the donations for themselves, resulting in a lot of people being distrustful of non-profit organizations and their sickeningly wealthy presidents, vice-presidents, and CEO’s.
But my general rule of thumb is that we as individuals need to do what’s right and help out those in need when we can. If they’re deceiving us so they can use the money for the wrong reasons and we don’t know about it, then that’s something they’ll have to answer for one day, especially corrupt non-profit organizations. But if we know or are suspicious that the person, especially an individual, is going to use the money for the wrong reasons and possibly lead to their own hurt, the loving thing would be to instead buy them food or gas or etc for them.
I’ll up-front admit that I don’t have as good an attitude toward this kind of giving as I need to.
I don’t often have cash on hand, unless I’m on a pretty specific errand – I operate largely with debit card. That turns giving into a different decision in some ways. If someone needs “just a couple bucks so [they] can get enough gas to get back on the road” (which is something I hear fairly frequently) I can put some gas in their car, or I can get them a quick bite to eat or something. But I literally can’t give them cash.
I know some folks who keep bottled water, blankets or non-perishable food in their car trunks to give to people they might encounter. These kinds of giving ensure that your resources actually help a specific need, aside from any temptations or struggles the recipient might be faced with (and frees you from the need to speculate or judge on the subject). So in some ways it’s a more reliable way to complete the task of meeting someone’s needs.
Of course, in a lot of situations the trust and “unjudging” nature of just giving the money makes a bigger statement and can say something important, as has already been excellently discussed here. It’s a subtle kind of difference – “giving to help” versus “giving to give.”
It’s okay, we’ve all been there. I know I haven’t always sincerely wanted to help others like that. And I’ve actually used the debit card approach too in the past. But my girlfriend is trying to get me to carry cash and stop using my debit so I stop over-drafting though, ha ha.
When I went to Canada and the States, I was shocked by how much homelessness and begging I saw.
No where near that much in Australia
I’m glad for the citizens of Australia.
I’ve had several such encounters. When my kids were little, we were hustled while leaving a kids concert, with a story about needing gas and food for wife and little kids. I offered him the leftover snacks we’d brought for our kids and to get him some gas. He didn’t take either. Other times I’ve been approached with the request for gas money “to get home”. I usually offer to fill a gas can and put the gas in their car. Haven’t been taken up on it yet. Was approached one time in a store, by a supposed deaf and dumb person, and just showed her my state debit card, that I was getting my UI on. She just walked away. Had one approach me and hand me a card that said she was a Serb refugee and didn’t speak English. I started to talk to her in Czech, which is similar to Serbo-Croatian, and she practically ran away.
I have given out money a few times, but feel it was probably wasted. It’s kind of like feral cats. If you put food out for them, you just wind up with more feral cats.
I usually offer or give food. In college I would walk to the public transportation light rail stop and sometimes find homeless people asking for money for food. I would take them to the McDonald’s and buy them a value meal. The ones who wanted money for drugs and booze would refuse simply because it would take too much time away from getting what they really want. The hardest part for me was not judging too harshly when people refused.
Now I live in the middle of nowhere and never see anything like that.
When I lived in Chicago, there was a woman who always stood near my office building. She was an older woman, and she always had a styrofoam coffee cup, on which she’d scrawled “Help”. She had the most pitiable expression on her face, this wordless, soundless cry for anything, anyone, to do something, anything, to help. She always had coins in the cup, sometimes bills.
Then one day, she was gone. I hoped nothing bad had happened to her, that she hadn’t gotten hit by a car, or hadn’t taken sick. I had put coins in her cup on several occasions. She always thanked me with this quiet, aching voice. I made a point to watch the news that night, and sure enough, I found out what had happened to her. She had been arrested.
For fraud.
You see, she wasn’t poor. She had a fine house in the suburbs, not a townhouse like mine, but a much nicer one, in a much nicer neighborhood. Her husband was quite wealthy, and her kids were off at expensive schools. They had lots of money. But instead of sitting and enjoying her fine home, every day she would put on shabby clothes and take the train into the city, buy a cup of coffee, drink it, and scrawl “Help” on the cup, then stand around all day and take handouts. According to the police forensic investigators, she had been pulling in several hundred dollars a day, and paying taxes on none of it. When asked why, she said she was largely bored, and worried that her husband’s business could disappear overnight. She wanted a nestegg. She got to see a lot of people this way, and got a nice tidy nestegg. It was easy.
It was sad. There were a lot of copycats on the street after that. You never knew who really needed your spare change, and who was like this woman, trying to “get a nestegg”. You always felt guilty, examining them closely, trying to figure out who was legitimately needy, or just giving up and keeping your coins, losing faith that any of them were genuine.
I think I can tell. I still give some once in a while.
You do what you can for who you can and hope you made a difference. Sometimes I think a person really can tell about certain things. But, yeah, that’s definitely something that’s crossed my mind and been a reason in the past that I’ve often been hesitant in giving, sadly.
Living in China, I see lots beggars on the street, railway stations, bus stations, subways and the like. Most (usually elderly and wearing dirty clothes) seeing a foreigner, will walk up to me or my wife, show us some infirmity or handicap or actually will chase me down on the street with their hand out or shake a cup or bowl indicating they want money. These folks I usually ignore after a police friend of the family told me that most of these folks are actually running a scam, Most are living in a shelter which does provide for their needs, but they decide to get some extra money or they are hired by somebody, taken to a busy area to panhandle and split the proceeds. I usually ignore these folks. But if a man or woman is quietly sitting on the street with their cup in front of them or playing an instrument, not bothering me or anybody else, I’ll drop 3 or 4 yuan (@ $0.50 – $0.60) when I pass by. I really hate acting like this, because some of these people may truly be needy, but somedays there are so many out there, I would run out of money before long, so I’ve had to develop a jaundiced attitude and thick skin to survive.
Ha ha, you said “jaundiced.” lawls
Sorry, I’m a jerk. But you’re right. I also willingly give to those who aren’t pushing me to give. Maybe it’s the non-confrontational way they beg? Nobody likes being pushed to do anything. We always feel better when we feel we are completely in control of our actions and have calmly thought the situation through, instead of acting on the pushing and nudging and prodding of external stimuli. Anyway, I think I’m getting way off topic here…
Here’s a fun thing. The local food bank set up a collection table in the entrance lobby to my local supermarket, asking people to pick up some canned goods while shopping and donate them on the way out.
I picked up 3 large cans of chili beans, net cost $3.87 and dropped them off at their table. Also, on my way out of the market, I stopped at the lottery vend-o-matic and picked up my weekly $5 lotto ticket. Maybe I got some good karma from the donation because I won $10, making back the cost of the ticket, cost of the donation, and $1.13 to boot.
Man, I really appreciate everybody chiming in like this. Especially with such candor. I know you’ve all got me thinking more about how I give and when and have given me some ideas for ways to give that I hadn’t really thought about before.
For me, my baseline is always going to be to not judge, no matter how obvious a con it might be. That said, I don’t think it’s judging to ask to fill up their gas tank for them or to walk into a McDonald’s with them. But it’s true that there are limits. Many of you have pointed out here and on Facebook that there are places where, were you to give to everyone that asks, you wouldn’t have any money left. That’s a valid point. And I think that’s where trying to be as effective as possible in your giving becomes really important.
Again, thanks so much for all the great perspectives. Keep ‘em coming!
This was a really good blog, Brock!
I sometimes hand out change to the folks on the street, but I’d rather give to organizations like the Red Cross or the Salvation Army then to random individuals.
I never give to charities that stop traffic to collect money. I think that’s too dangerous and I don’t want to encourage it.
I honestly question whether or not those charities that stop traffic for money are even legitimate. How do I know they’re not just guys with buckets who claim they’re a charity just to make money off of the sincere and compassionate? That’s why I try to never give to those that do that. I did a few times, I admit, to the same charity through the years. It was a drug-rehab program through a church. They gave me the information. But it said it was in Georgia (or was it Ohio? It may have been Ohio), which is two states south of where I live (or two or so states north if Ohio). Dude, what are they doing panhandling in my town and state? lol
Growing up, my dad always told me not to hand out money, not for any judging reasons, but for safety reasons. He the me that you never know what the person on the receiving end might do to you once your arm is extended to them. And since it always seems like I’m approached for money in the downtown areas of big cities (which can be scary), I tend to avoid handouts as much as possible.
The scariest experience happened once at night in downtown Salt Lake City with Tyler. A man followed us about 50 feet to our car to ask us for money. It was legitimately creepy.
I once had a newspaper guy run across 4 lanes of traffic to meet me as I exited a IHOP, give me a story about how his wife and kids need to eat if he didn’t sell newspapers, so I bought one and he stole my change and ran away, lol. And he was working for the local newspaper. Anyway, just reminded me of that, but your story is far creepier. Mine isn’t creepy. Just greedy, and doesn’t really fall under the current topic, I guess.
Well, maybe not “greedy.” He probably really did have a wife and kids to feed, but I didn’t think his behavior was suitable for an employee of the newspaper. He should have at least asked me if he could keep the change
Two instances that stopped me from giving out money. First I had some friends that had been on a road trip and purchased peanut butter jelly and bread they were making sandwiches sitting on the back of the car. A man approached them claiming to be hungry and they offered him a sandwich, ingredients available as they were in the process of eating themselves, the man accepted. He then took the sandwich walked a few feet and threw it in the trash without so much as a second look. The second instance is I used to work in a restaurant next door to a liquor store. A man came in with a homeless man that had been wandering around out front and purchased a meal for the homeless man, ordering it as a carryout by the homeless mans choice. The man that had made the purchase then sat down to eat with his family and suddenly as soon as he was out of earshot the homeless man started to ask us give him the money instead of the food. After these I cannot bring myself to give money to people that are begging, I feel that my trust has been broken. I’ll still give to charity and I’ll still offer food or assistance but I don’t feel comfortable giving money in any amount.
I know two homeless people. They never ask for handouts. When they need help they know where to go. I’ll support those organizations. IMO, people asking for money on the street do not need or want help. They want money.